Cinematic Disasters: The 50 Worst Films of the Decade, 1990-1999

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"Only the mediocre are always at their best." --Jean Giradoux

"One man’s vision may be another man’s hallucination." --Hanns Sach

"When I directed, it napalmed my private life. It ruined my first marriage. I burned out. I fried. I became an Arby’s burger." --Sylvester Stallone

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NEW! BEST AND WORST CULT MOVIES OF ALL TIME!

1. What Dreams May Come [1998]—One of the most hollow, self-important, lifeless, emotionally bereft, shallow, boring and dreary movies to come out of Hollywood in the last 50 years, What Dreams May Come proves to be an endurance test for even the most jaded viewer. Within the first five minutes, Chris (Robin Williams) and Annie (Annabella Sciorra) fall in love, get married, lose both children in an automobile accident, and then (take a deep breath) Chris gets killed and Annie commits suicide, thereby ending up in hell. For the rest of the two-hour film, Chris enjoys heaven for awhile (he lives in one of his wife’s expressionistic paintings, believe it or not) and then decides to make a trip to hell to retrieve Annie. If this sounds like an uplifting film to you, by all means give it a shot. I actually rented this movie and struggled to finish it over a period of three days. It was an excruciating experience, to say the least. One critic who lambasted this film thought that it had to be written by Jack Kervorkian, the so-called "Doctor of Death." Esteemed critic Roger Ebert actually had the gall to give this masterpiece 3 1/2 stars. I think it’s time to put Ebert out to pasture.

2. Natural Born Killers [1994]—Supposedly a satire of the media’s obsession with violence, this misguided effort may have actually inspired an aimless young couple into embarking on a cross-country killing spree. Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis (at their most annoying) plod through this incoherent mess. In his rush to make a meaningful statement about society, Director Oliver Stone forgot about such elements as plot, character and action. I’d rather watch a bad video for two hours straight (like Journey’s Separate Ways) than sit through this waste of time again. A true product of the MTV idiot generation. Folks, it doesn’t get much worse than this.

3. Indecent Proposal [1993]—Notable as one of the most stupid films ever to hit the silver screen, this masterpiece is actually a dramatic rendering of Honeymoon in Vegas about a wealthy industrialist (Robert Redford) who offers a million dollars to sleep with Demi Moore. As usual, Moore overacts, Woody Harrelson fails to act and Redford sleepwalks through the whole charade. The last hour or so of this one is absolutely mind numbing.

4. Man Trouble [1992]—The only film I ever felt the urge to walk out of during the opening credits, Man Trouble is filmmaking at its absolute worst. Here we have director Bob Rafelson teamed up once again with Jack Nicholson after making one of the best American films ever, Five Easy Pieces. And it all adds up to nothing. Even the presence of Harry Dean Stanton can’t raise this one out of the dung heap and that’s saying a lot.

5. It’s Pat [1994]—One of the many Saturday Night Live sketches turned into a full-blown movie, this winner details a day in the life of Pat, an androgynous loser out to find love. It’s as bad as it sounds and had me running for the exit signs after only three minutes.

6. Scenes from a Mall [1991]—The casting of Woody Allen and Bette Midler was supposed to produce fireworks. Instead, this flat comedy creates waves of nausea and boredom. Imagine two yuppies engaged in a hateful argument during an endless day at the mall. That’s the entire premise of this absolutely bone-dry script. It’s a totally boring excursion through the hollow world of cellular phones, bottled water and BMW’s. Allen is even cast as a sports agent, of all things. I’ve had better times strolling through the mall on a Saturday night (and I despise the mall).

7. City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold [1994]—A trite remake slapped together to capitalize on the success of the mildly amusing and mostly annoying original film, City Slickers II is inevitably an insult to viewers everywhere. It’s a slap in the face to anyone stupid enough to shell out good money in anticipation of some good entertainment. Even though the real star of the film, Jack Palance, kicked the bucket in the first film, he appears as Curly’s "twin brother" in the sequel! This must be one of the lamest plot twists in movie history. Kudos to Bruno Kirby for pulling out of this project, but shame on Billy Crystal, Palance and Daniel Stern for choosing the paycheck over their acting integrity.

8. Bram Stoker’s Dracula [1992]—An overhyped, overblown and ludicrous piece of garbage from Francis Ford Coppola, Dracula features a plethora of stylistic images revolving around an empty core. An all-star cast is totally wasted: Gary Oldman hams it up as "Vlad the Impaler," Anthony Hopkins has never been worse as "Professor Van Helsing" and Keanu Reeves’ character, "Jonathan Harker," is indistinguishable from his portrayal of the surfer dude in Point Break. One character actor does stand out, however; Tom Waits as "Renfield," Dracula’s rat-eating assistant. It’s quite obvious that Coppola ran out of his can of tricks many, many years ago.

9. Waterworld[1995]—This waterlogged, $175 million futuristic disaster stars Kevin Costner as a Mad Max type loner who battles evil warriors called "Smokers." Once again, Dennis Hopper is cast as a psychopathic antagonist. It’s getting real old, Dennis. Where did all the money go? Certainly not on the cheap, unoriginal special effects—an immense barge floating in an endless sea.

10. The Godfather III [1990]—A total disappointment in terms of plot, character and direction, this third and final entry in the Godfather trilogy should never have been made. Al Pacino (complete with an absolutely ridiculous haircut) returns as Michael Corleone, looking more like a refugee from a nursing home than a mafia kingpin. None of the characters comes even close to being as memorable as such classic roles as Vito Corleone, Pete Clemenza, Moe Greene or Hyman Roth. Director Francis Ford Coppola’s biggest mistake was casting his talentless daughter, Sofia, as Corleone’s beloved daughter, Mary. The plot concerns something about high shenanigans in the Vatican. Where’s Luca Brasi when you need him?

11. Prelude to a Kiss [1992]—This slow-moving, preposterous comedy involves Meg Ryan as a bride who exchanges souls with a senior citizen (Sydney Walker) on her wedding day. Alec Baldwin plays her befuddled husband who actually falls for the old coot. A total embarrassment to all those involved.

12. Billy Madison [1995]—Occasionally Adam Sandler can pull off some funny scenes by playing a total idiot. This isn’t one of those times. The plot, such as it is, concerns a moron who must complete all 12 grades of school in a couple of weeks in order to inherit $600 million. If that isn’t enough to scare you away, how about this: second-rate character actor Darren McGavin plays Billy’s father.

13. Look Who’s Talking Too [1990]—As if the first film wasn’t bad enough, this lobotomized, thrown together sequel actually uses the voice of Roseanne as the daughter of John Travolta and Kirstie Alley. Even more depressing, Bruce Willis supplies the voice of "Mikey." Get the vomit bags out for this one, folks. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

14. Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man [1991]—Don Johnson and Mickey Rourke star as bikers who plan a heist in order to raise money for a buddy whose bar faces foreclosure. Yes, it’s as dumb and uninteresting as it sounds. Luckily, Johnson found work again in television, while Rourke’s career has taken a spectacular nosedive since he burst on the scene in the ’80s.

15. Weekend at Bernie’s II [1993]—At least the first Bernie’s had a modicum of originality; this tasteless piece of garbage resurrects our favorite dead host (Terry Kiser) through voodoo as he heads to the Caribbean in search of lost treasure. Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman haven’t been heard of since.

16. Legends of the Fall [1994]—An all-star cast can’t save this rambling epic that starts out great but makes a rapid descent into the bottom dregs of cinema. Anthony Hopkins is embarrassingly bad as the aging patriarch, a former U.S. Cavalry colonel. Gordon Tootoosis stars as a Native American named "One Stab."

17. Cadillac Man [1990]—A solid cast consisting of Robin Williams and Tim Robbins is totally wasted in this dismal comedy that takes place entirely inside a used car lot. Any attempt at plot and pacing is thrown out the window within the opening minutes. I’ve actually had more fun being harassed into buying scotchguard by some sleazy car salesman than sitting through this snoozer.

18. The Hudsucker Proxy [1994]—You would expect the teaming of the Coen brothers with Tim Robbins and Paul Newman to produce fireworks. This one is actually a dud through and through. A dweeb works his way up the corporate ladder in 1940’s New York City. This film actually makes The Secret of My Success with Michael J. Fox look like Citizen Kane in comparison. Give me Blood Simple. Give me Miller’s Crossing. Give me Fargo. But please don’t make me sit through The Hudsucker Proxy again.

19. Naked Lunch [1991]—David Cronenburg went ahead and proved the long-held theory that William S. Burroughs’ classic novel was unfilmable. Peter Weller stars as William Lee, an exterminator and secret agent who snorts bug powder and types out grotesque imagery on his Remington typewriter (which occasionally takes the form of a bug-like creature). Roy Scheider is totally miscast as the ubiquitous Dr. Benway. Enjoy the book; skip this film.

20. PCU [1994]—In this atrocious rip-off of Animal House, a group of rowdy students at "Port Chester University" tries to deal with the rampant epidemic of political correctness inflicting their peers. Jeremy Piven was promoted as the next John Belushi. No chance! One bright spot: a brief cameo from George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Stars.

21. Kids [1995]—A thoroughly distasteful and annoying look at the day in a life of a bunch of aimless teenagers who roam Manhattan looking for kicks, downing sixpacks, smoking pot and beating up homeless people. Kids is about as subtle as a boot stomping on a face and equally unpleasant. The critics fell for this worthless, nauseating effort hook, line and sinker.

22. Amos & Andrew [1993]—Samuel L. Jackson and Nicholas Cage sleepwalk their way through this unfunny and offensive farce about a black playwright who gets harassed by the local citizenry on an island in New England. Yes, it’s as bad as it sounds. Dabney Coleman plays the befuddled police chief.

23. Shine [1996]—Many critics loved this dramatic rendition of the life of eccentric Australian pianist David Helfgott; I found it insufferable. The mumbling, ADD-afflicted main character, played effectively by Geoffrey Rush, becomes annoying within the first five minutes. How much can a viewer endure of this gibberish? If that’s not bad enough, the plot jumps around and we’re never given a satisfactory reason for Helfgott’s mental collapse. Worse, this film actually generated enough interest for Helfgott and his promoters to cash in by staging a United States tour that even took the untalented pianist to Carnegie Hall. Apparently, watching him improvise his way through such classics as Rachmaninov’s "Piano Concerto No. 3" gave a new meaning to the term "unbearable."

24. The Adventures of Ford Fairlane [1990]—Andrew "Dice" Clay makes his film debut as a "rock ‘n’ roll detective." Enough said.

25. The Fan [1996]—Once again, Robert DeNiro takes on the role of a psychopath with full gusto; this time he’s a demented knife salesman who stalks a baseball superstar (Wesley Snipes). Let’s hope that the "stalking film" has finally run its course—for this is a thoroughly unpleasant experience.

26. Joe Versus the Volcano [1990]—This film deserves to make the list on the merits of its title alone. A terminally ill factory worker (Tom Hanks) agrees to jump into a live volcano in exchange for six weeks of living high on the hog. No, I did not make this up! An aimless, uninspiring waste of 99 minutes of your valuable time. Also stars Lloyd Bridges, Abe Vigoda and Robert Stack.

27. Mobsters [1991]—A totally flat glimpse of the underworld with youthful actors who appear like they have no inkling about the historical characters they’re supposedly portraying. Here we have Christian Slater as "Lucky" Luciano, Patrick Dempsey as Meyer Lansky and Richard Grieco as "Bugsy" Siegel. The casting director should have been lined up along with the victims of the "St. Valentine’s Day Massacre." There’s not a true moment to be found in this one.

28. Mr. Wrong [1996]—Ellen DeGeneres makes her acting debut in this totally unfunny film about a TV producer who can’t shake an obnoxious loser (Bill Pullman). If you think that DeGeneres’ can carry a full-length feature by grimacing and rolling her eyes maniacally, you’ll find this film hysterical.

29. Face/Off [1997]—Perhaps the dumbest premise for an action film in the history of the genre, Face/Off stars Nicholas Cage as a terrorist named Castor Troy (no, I’m not kidding) who changes identities with Sean Archer, an FBI agent played by John Travolta. We’re supposed to believe that these guys actually change faces through a complicated surgical procedure. The rest of the film involves a series of dull action sequences that lead nowhere. Hats off to director John Woo, a director of Hong Kong cheapies, who somehow managed to fool Hollywood into taking his work seriously.

30. Ruby[1992]—An attempt to cash in on the conspiracy mania generated by Oliver Stone’s widely acclaimed JFK, this misguided effort features the totally miscast Danny Aiello as Dallas nightclub owner Jack Ruby. We are expected to believe that Ruby had connections with every major organization except the Vienna Boys’ Choir, including the CIA, FBI, Mafia, Bay of Pigs organizers, Dallas police and even the Rat Pack.

31. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday [1993]—Talk about milking a bad idea to death! The ninth episode of this slasher series has the killer with the hockey mask surviving after being cut to pieces during an autopsy. Even fans of the early films stayed away from this mind-numbing drivel in droves.

32. The Prince of Tides [1991]—A bestselling novel by Pat Conroy is totally shredded in the hands of director Barbra Streisand, who allows her oversized ego to interfere with a decent story. Nick Nolte plays a Southern high school coach who makes his way to New York City to care for his psychotic sister. Streisand plays the psychiatrist, a minor character in the book, who assumes mythical proportions in the last half of the movie. The effective early scenes are all forgotten as the viewer gets caught up in a haze of total boredom and confusion.

33. Alien Resurrection [1997]—Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) is back to battle alien creatures in the fourth installment of the Alien series. Is there anyone out there who still cares? Even though Ripley clearly died in Alien3, she shows up to collect her paycheck as Ripley’s "clone." Why didn’t they just steal a page from "Curly" in City Slickers II and make her Ripley’s twin sister? Winona Ryder (as "Call"!), Ron Perlman (as "Johner"!) and Brad Dourif round out the uncertain cast.

34. Mr. Holland’s Opus [1995]—If you’re intrigued by 30 years in the life of a high school music teacher (Richard Dreyfuss), than this totally boring, overly sentimental piece of claptrap is just the thing for you. Dreyfuss’ rendition of John Lennon’s "Beautiful Boy" brought tears (of pain) to my eyes.

35. Showgirls [1995]—A thoroughly laughable and unerotic look at the sleazy side of Las Vegas strippers, this turkey stars the untalented Elizabeth Berkley (Saved by the Bell), a spunky but brain-dead dancer named "Nomi" who works her way up the showbiz ladder from lap dancer to showgirl. Kyle MacLachlan, looking and acting just as he did when he portrayed Ray Manzarek in The Doors, plays Nomi’s boyfriend, "Zack" (effectively terminating his once-promising career).

36. Consenting Adults [1993]—Another solid cast (Kevin Kline, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio and Kevin Spacey) gets sidetracked by an asinine script full of ridiculous plot twists in this "erotic thriller."

37. Sommersby [1993]—A Hollywood bastardization of the classic French romantic drama, The Return of Martin Guerre, this preposterous film moves the action from the French Revolution to the Civil War. A wealthy Confederate soldier (Richard Gere) creates suspicion when he returns home to his wife, played by Jodie Foster. We’re actually expected to believe that no one in town can figure out if this guy’s the real deal even though he’s only been gone for four years. Nice try!

38. The Vanishing [1993]—Director George Sluizer ill advisedly Americanizes his own classic 1988 Dutch thriller and the results are stomach churning. Kiefer Sutherland’s career actually did vanish after this one, while Jeff Bridge slobbers and staggers around in one of his most embarrassing roles. Keep the vomit bag handy.

39. Encino Man [1992]—A list of this caliber would not be complete if it didn’t include a movie from one of the most annoying actors to ever appear on the silver screen. Yes, I’m talking about MTV reject Pauly Shore. The plot (such that it is) concerns two geeky high school students who unearth a frozen caveman (Brendan Fraser) from the backyard and teach him how to rap and pick up chicks. Beware of two other Shore vehicles: In the Army Now [1994] and Jury Duty [1995].

40. Life Stinks [1991]—It seems like eons since Mel Brooks made us laugh with classics like Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein. You’re no longer funny, Mel. This movie sucks!

41. Flashback [1990]—Here is another witless comedy that clashes aging political radical Dennis Hopper (representing the liberal ’60s) with young FBI agent Kiefer Sutherland (representing the conservative ’80s). The two switch roles during a train ride and discover they have more in common than they thought. This film goes nowhere fast.

42. Little Buddha [1994]—Famous director Bernardo Bertolucci (Last Tango in Paris) loses his way with this uninspiring drama that stars Keanu Reeves playing the title role straight out of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. "Tibet? Excellent dude!"

43. Don Juan deMarco [1995]—A great cure for insomnia, this romantic fable stars Johnny Depp as a delusional young nobody who believes he is actually the legendary lover Don Juan. The only thing interesting about this film is noting how grotesquely obese Marlon Brando has become since starring in the classic, Last Tango in Paris.

44. Lambada [1990]—A slapped-together production made to take advantage of the thankfully brief Lambada craze, this film concerns a math teacher in Beverly Hills who dances the night away doing the Brazilian tango. Laughable.

45. Lethal Weapon 3 [1992]—Who are the culprits who keep turning out to see the redundant exploits of these two idiotic detectives, played by Mel Gibson and Danny Glover? The series was already tired after the second installment, characterized by an endless parade of car chases and explosions. And here’s Joe Pesci once again getting on everyone’s nerves as a petty criminal with attention deficit disorder.

46. Striptease [1996]—What happens when you take a biting satire from Carl Hiaasen, water it down and choose Demi Moore and Burt Reynolds to play the leads? You’re absolutely correct, the result is an unmitigated disaster. Moore tries to turn her role as a Ft. Lauderdale stripper into something out of A Streetcar Named Desire, while her supporting cast hams it up, unbeknownst to her dramatic intentions. At least Burt Reynolds (clad in one of his ridiculous toupees) has given up his goal of being taken seriously as an actor. Deliverance seems like it was filmed many moons ago. Ving Rhames does manage to steal some scenes as the club’s bad-ass bouncer.

47. Madhouse [1990]—Former television stars Kirstie Alley and John Larroquette try to ward off obnoxious relatives in this mediocre comedy that doesn’t contain a single moment of originality or humor.

48. My Girl 2 [1994]—A shameless attempt to capitalize on the original mediocre drama, this sequel involves the no-longer-cute Vada (Anna Chlumsky), who travels to Los Angeles to find out about her real mother. That’s the extent of the plot, folks! Dan Ackroyd and Jamie Lee Curtis show up for about five minutes, enough screen time, apparently, to collect their fat paychecks.

49. Folks [1992]—Tom Selleck and Don Ameche star in this tepid comedy that actually pokes fun at people with Alzheimer’s disease. A sad asterisk to the wonderful film career of Ameche.

50. A Night at the Roxbury [1998]—Perhaps the absolute worst in a long line of Saturday Night Live skits turned into full-length films, this will hopefully signal the end of that unfortunate genre. The head-snapping Butabi brothers (Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan) try to get into LA night clubs so they can meet chicks. Loni Anderson stars as "Barbara Butabi" and Richard Grieco plays himself. Truly pathetic.

Other Notable Bad Films of the ’90s

Disclosure [1994]—Michael Douglas gets sexually harassed by female executive Demi Moore in this absolutely preposterous thriller that doesn’t have an ounce of credibility or originality.

Drop Dead Fred [1991]—An insecure young woman played by Phoebe Cates calls upon her imaginary childhood friend "Drop Dead Fred" (Rik Mayall) to exact revenge on her enemies.

Ernest Scared Stupid [1991]—The success of the whole "Ernest P. Worrell" series remains baffling. Anyone over five years old will quickly find this Jim Varney film ponderous.

Even Cowgirls Get the Blues [1994]—Turn a cult novel by Tom Robbins about a hippie with oversized thumbs into an incoherent screenplay full of dull characters and you get another cinematic disaster.

Exit to Eden [1994]—Another dead-end comedy, this outing involves a "fantasy island for sadomasochists." Even worse, it stars Dan Ackroyd and Rosie O’Donnell.

Flatliners [1990]—Demented med students Kiefer Sutherland, Julia Roberts and Kevin Bacon attend Gothic-style university, dream of "experiencing death."

Freejack [1991]—Inane sci-fi flick starring Emilio Estevez as a cocky race car driver "freejacked" into the future by evil Rolling Stone Mick Jagger.

Hudson Hawk [1991]—Bruce Willis takes a break from the Die Hard series to play a cat burglar in this overblown action flick that makes Running Man look like a masterpiece.

Jefferson in Paris [1995]—In one of the more ludicrous casting choices in film history, someone had the bright idea to cast Nick Nolte (48 Hours) as Thomas Jefferson. The result is less than honorable.

Jimmy Hollywood [1994]—Joe Pesci and Christian Slater star in a pointless comedy about a wannabe actor who tries every angle to get a role. If Pesci continues to make bad career choices, he could very well end up like his character in this bomb.

King Ralph [1991]—A typically unfunny "high-concept" comedy, King Ralph stars John Goodman as a lounge lizard who becomes King of England.

Lightning Jack [1994]—"Crocodile" Dundee goes West! Sorry, this "high-concept" comedy starring Paul Hogan never had a chance. Cuba Gooding Jr. plays Hogan’s mute sidekick. His career rebounded; Hogan’s never did.

Love at Large [1990]—Tom Berenger tries to pay homage to Bogey in this film noir rip-off that should be avoided at all costs.

Mannequin Two: On the Move [1991]—A department store window dummy (Kristy Swanson) is brought back to life by an ancient Egyptian curse. Meshach Taylor reprises his role as a flamboyant window dresser named "Hollywood."

Mr. Saturday Night [1992]—Billy Crystal takes one of his funny bits and tries to stretch it into a two-hour feature about an abrasive comic named Buddy Young Jr. Within the first half-hour or so, you’ll find yourself hoping this guy will just disappear.

Men of Respect [1991]—Does a gangster movie based on Shakespeare’s Macbeth sound intriguing to you? Forget about it. John Turturro hams it up as a small-time hood who kills his way to the top. Rod Steiger portrays the mafia boss.

Mr. Nanny [1993]—Who had the brilliant idea to pair Hulk Hogan and Sherman Helmsley in a movie about a former professional grappler who has to take care of some spoiled kids?

My Blue Heaven [1990]—Sporting a Kramer-like hairdo, Steve Martin stars as an ex-gangster in the witness protection program who finds life tough going in suburbia. This high-concept comedy, which also stars Rick Moranis, is dead on arrival.

My Own Private Idaho [1991]—Director Gus Van Sant Jr. (Drugstore Cowboy) tries to take the plot of Shakespeare’s Henry IV, Part I and apply it to two hustlers (Keanu Reeves and River Phoenix) in Portland, Oregon. These guys even sport Elizabethan accents! Totally pretentious and ridiculous.

The People Vs. Larry Flynt [1996]—Another overrated film starring Woody Harrelson as the sleazy Hustler magazine publisher who wins a triumph for free speech from the Supreme Court. How could director Milos Forman turn subject matter this fresh and controversial into a sleep-inducing, unappealing mess? I’d rather hear Flynt himself debating Jerry Falwell on The Larry King Show for an hour than watch this flick again.

Powder [1995]—A strange albino (Sean Patrick Flanery) with unique psychokinetic powers lives in a basement until he is rescued by the director of an orphanage played by Mary Steenburgen. A ridiculous premise and directionless script combine to create a thoroughly unpleasant movie-going experience.

Problem Child 2 [1991]—John Ritter stars in this witless comedy that makes Three’s Company seem like a masterpiece in comparison. How the hell did they sign Jack Warden for this movie? The cast also includes Buffalo Bob Smith, Charlene Tilton and Gilbert Gottfried.

Roadside Prophets [1992]—Wouldn’t it be cool to cast Beastie Boy Adam Horovitz in a road movie by Alex Cox (Sid & Nancy) that features ’60s relics Arlo Guthrie, David Carradine and Timothy Leary? Check it out for yourself!

Romeo is Bleeding [1994]—A totally inexplicable piece of garbage that stars Gary Oldman and Lena Olin, this movie has no idea where it’s going and doesn’t seem to care. A slap in the face to the entire film noir genre.

Robin Hood: Men in Tights [1993]—Another bad Mel Brooks film? What’s new? How long can this guy coast on the reputation of his early funny films before somebody decides to take away his funding? I got more laughs watching Kevin Costner stumble through Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

Shakes the Clown [1992]—"Bobcat" Goldthwait stars as an alcoholic clown. Florence Henderson (The Brady Bunch) is his love interest. A real downer.

Sliver [1993]—Someone decided to make a "thriller" but forgot to put in the required mystery and suspense. One of the talentless Baldwin boys (I forget which one; does it really matter?) stars in this study of voyeurism in a Manhattan high-rise. A total waste of 106 minutes of celluloid.

Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot [1992]—A Los Angeles policeman (Sylvester Stallone) teams up with his mom (Estelle Getty) to fight crime. Sly’s career continues to go down for the count. Thankfully, the film only runs for 87 minutes.

Stuart Saves His Family [1995]—Yet another in the long line of terrible Saturday Night Live skits that have somehow managed to hit the big screen, this has to be one of the most unbearable. Al Franken stars as Stuart Smalley, a "New Age" talk host (a grating combination of Richard Simmons and Mr. Rogers) who is forced to address the problems in his own dysfunctional family. Believe it or not, Roger Ebert gave this disaster a thumb up.

Two Days in the Valley [1996]—A feeble attempt to capture the magic of Pulp Fiction, this sprawling, meaningless saga was so unmemorable that I can’t even recall the plot. Another fine cast is totally wasted—including the likes of Danny Aiello, James Spader, Eric Stoltz and Jeff Daniels.

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